outWORD by Matte Downey

Image from theguardian.com September is here and school is about to start for another year. This term I will be working as both a teaching assistant and a research assistant in addition to finishing (fingers crossed) my doctoral dissertation (except for final rewrites). Some people have remarked that going from teaching a course at the university to being a teaching assistant seems like a step backwards. I don't see it that way. Every chance to be in the classroom is an opportunity to participate in another learning experience, a privilege I do not take for granted. Being a TA is a gift, actually: the professor does all the heavy lifting and takes ultimate responsibility for what happens in the course while I get to enjoy theological discussions and reading materials, grade (mostly) interesting assignments, answer questions from students, and exchange theological jokes with my fellow TA during class. No down side! Seriously, though, I have found that being a student and a lif...

Image from maxwellswaterloo.com We didn't do anything really special to ring in the new year. Frankly, I was still a bit celebration weary from the holiday events with our family and Dean was reeling from a very busy few days at work. Having part of the afternoon off on New Year's Eve meant we could get some groceries, go to the gym, and make a trip to the bank. Pretty exciting stuff, I know. But really, it was good. As we sat at home on the couch right before midnight, watching television and eating jalapeno hummus, I heard that old, subtle, accusing voice telling me we should have made more elaborate plans, should have gone to a party or headed downtown, anything which would have yielded photos showing how hip and cool and happy we were. This low key evening was almost embarrassing, hardly worth a mention on social media, certainly nothing to emulate or envy. Or was it? We were content. We were thankful. We were tired but happy. And this seemed like a good way to spend an...

Lemons in my life today... Just two weeks ago I got the incredible news that I received a major doctoral funding award.  I am still kind of in shock.  Over the course of my graduate studies I have made 6 applications to various funding agencies, asking them to recognize that I do good and important work. All of them have been unsuccessful.  My supervisor warned me that certain aspects of theology don't have a good track record for securing government funding.  I seemed to be a case in point.  Blame my weak application (one can always have more publications and accomplishments).  Blame those secular, atheist adjudicating committees who have no use for theology (that's me being bitter about bitter atheists).  Blame all those other clever students who pushed me out of the running (like one of my colleagues).  Each spring, I found myself bracing for the inevitable rejection letter(s) and when I received another one this April, I was depleted. ...

I like to take pictures.  I take quite a lot of them.  My iPhone is full of random snapshots that I like to capture while I go through life.  I take pictures of food before I eat it.  I take pictures of my neighbourhood as the seasons change.  I take pictures of unique products and silly situations and beautiful scenes.  I take pictures of things that make me laugh.  I take pictures of moments that I want to remember.  Sometimes when I go back and look at a picture, I see things that I never saw when I was there in the flesh at the moment I took the photo.  A picture can remind me of things I have forgotten.  At best, a picture allows me to slow down and really see. The picture above is one I took on rue St. Laurent yesterday of a band that was playing at the street festival.  I remember the energetic music and the vibrant performances of the musicians.  I remember the jazzy rhythms they incorporat...

I have been living with a stupid, nasty cold for 10 days now.  I suppose the fact that it is still partying in my body means that it is perhaps not so stupid and in fact pretty smart.  But I still maintain that is it nasty!  Whatever the case, over the course of the last week and a half I have observed a few different stages that I have gone through with this cold. 1.  Denial.   It is just a wee scratchy throat.  It will probably be gone by morning. I'll just ignore it. 2. More Denial.   It's been a few days and I am starting to cough, so I think that's a sign that it is almost over.  I am sure I will feel much better tomorrow.  And besides, I can pretty much function as normal. 3.  Impatience.   Why is this taking so long?  It's been a week and I should be feeling better!  It is interfering with my life.  (At this point I started asking for helpful sugges...

As someone who has been a faithful "church-goer" for all of her life, I realize that sometimes when I show up at a gathering of those who love and worship God, I have lost sight of why I am there.  It has simply become habit and I feel guilt if I don't include it.  I hesitate to even use the phrase "going to church" because it diminishes a vibrant, organic community into attendance at a meeting.  We no more "go to church" than we "go to family."  It is not a location nor an event - not even a classroom where attendance is taken, though I certainly hope we learn something when we come together.  I am a part of Church if I am a part of Christ.  It is that simple.  How I live that out is a whole other matter, however.  Here are a few thoughts on why we gather in regular meetings.  These ideas were first presented at a talk in a church in Manitoba this past Sunday. 1. To remember whom we belon...

We just returned from 5 days in Florida. It was a welcome and much-needed break from the pretty hectic year we have had. It is amazing how being in a different location (and without internet for the first 2 days) allows the mind to put aside most of the stresses of current and impending projects and slow down to embrace the beautiful present moment. I try not to have specific expectations about how things will turn out (mostly a waste of time and an exercise in disappointment, I have found), but everything about this trip seemed to be more than we could have asked for. From the moment we stepped into our first hotel room in Miami and saw the view of the harbour through the floor to ceiling windows, I felt like I had won a prize on a game show. For the most part, we travel very simply and economically, and this time was really no exception. I shopped around for hotel deals, Dean used points to get a free night, and someone generously gave us the plane tickets. The one splurge we ...

It is a windy day today. This afternoon I took a long walk which included stops at the grocery store, the bank, the pharmacy, and the dry cleaner. At one point I thought I was going to lose a pair of pants as the wind lifted the plastic dry cleaner bag above my head, but I managed to get everything safely home, including my hair. Things have been moving quite quickly in the past few days - it feels like a bit of a whirlwind. On Tuesday I submitted a thesis on behalf of a colleague who is no longer living in Montreal, and while I was printing out the multiple copies at the library and annoying a few people who were queued up after me, I received an email that let me know my own thesis had just been approved by my second supervisor and was good to go! The next morning I did one last proofread of the 114-page document and headed to school to print my own copies and hand them in to the various offices. Today, I just received news that the formatting is all okay (no changes) and that I now ...

On Monday after a few hours of research, I walked to the grocery store to buy some snacks for the week. As I am prone to do, I began by thinking I would get only a few items. I started to pile drinks and bagels and yogurt in my arms and then had to set everything down and go looking for a basket. After wandering down a few more aisles of goodies, the basket was starting to get pretty full, too, and a clerk asked me if I wanted a cart. What? No! I did a re-think and put some items back, reminding myself that I had to carry everything back to my room which was a 15-minute walk away, and I was only going to be here for 5 days. I had one more thing on my list: fruit. Finding something good was a challenge. The apples and pears didn't look very appetizing, the grapes - meh; there was not much else for selection, and all of it was expensive. Finally, I found blueberries for 99 cents! Yay! I picked up 3 boxes, added them to my pile of popcorn and yogurt, and headed for the checkout. Every...

I don't really do resolutions, but I do like to learn, so here are a few things that I would like to get better at in the next few months by turning my attention to them. 1. Not complaining. This is not merely a matter of squelching the oft-present urge to see the negative side or stuffing my tendency to criticize deep down inside of me where it can fester. Instead, I want to redirect my energy, my attention, and my focus to the goodness of God all around me. Gratefulness is the secret weapon that can transform not only my perspective but the tone of any interaction or task. I want to take gratitude out and wield it more often. 2. Being True. One of my favourite tv shows right now is "Lie to Me," a drama about a deception expert who reads faces in order to tell if someone is lying or hiding something. The amazing principle present here (and yes, the show is based on an actual science) is that our bodies are made to tell the truth! Every time we venture into deception, o...

Helloooooo !! I have been meaning to write a blog for a few days now, but with the boat-load of projects I have had on my plate lately (and still have), intent has not translated into action. However, with 3 of the 9 projects behind me, I believe I can leave the 6 to play unsupervised for a bit while I write something here. I watched a video of a talk by Dr. Brene Brown a few weeks back (or maybe only a week, I have very little concept of how fast time is passing) that got me thinking about the culture of scarcity that we live in. She talks about the messages we are bombarded with: we are never good enough, safe enough, certain enough, perfect enough, extraordinary enough. And the sad thing is, we believe these messages. We find it hard to be thankful, joyful, content, and at peace. She talks about how our desire for the extraordinary, the thrill, the special, has eclipsed our ability to value the ordinary in our lives. In fact, the ordinary is where we can find the most joy, she says...

Yesterday was my birthday. My 50 th birthday. Some people think that's a big deal. To me, it is just a number that states how many days I have had the privilege of waking up and getting out of bed to explore life. And that thought causes my heart to become full and expand with a whole lot of thankfulness and awe at life itself. Yes, indeed. These were some thoughts I had yesterday: I get to open my eyes every morning and see sunlight. Some days it is full-on, unclouded, make-your-eyes-hurt, kind of sunshine that greets me. Other days it is misty, rainy, curtained light, but it is always light. And I am blessed to see it every day. I get to wake up next to a warm, cuddly, funny, wise, generous, and faithful man every day. He often stares at me with adoring eyes, and takes me on dates pretty much every week. He can fix almost anything electronic and always knows where we parked. He can keep a steady beat no matter how eratic and chaotic the sounds are around him. I am blessed to hav...

I make lists of things that I need to do every day. This breaking down of huge tasks into Matte-size bites is one of the ways I keep from being overwhelmed by the largeness of life. I have developed pretty good habits in order to stay focused and meet deadlines. One of those important habits is to take time for beautiful distractions. They inspire me, they feed my soul, they bring joy, they grow gratitude, and miraculously, never mess up the schedule beyond repair. Here are 10 of my favourite distractions: 1. Going for a walk: in the park, around the block, on the beach, to the store, anywhere and anytime there is always something interesting to be seen and I am just so thrilled to be able to walk and yeah, I occasionally break into a run! 2. Playing with the cat: she purrs, rubs herself against me, chases things and is just so darn cute and fun. Sometimes messy and grouchy, but aren't we all? She is a smaller, furrier, stupider version of me, I think. Aww, she is peeking out at me...

What do you want for Christmas? As an adult, I don't get asked this question much, and when I do (mostly by Dean), I am a bit uncomfortable answering it. I don't like being greedy or needy. I do like being content. But I also know that I do not stretch my hope and desire muscles enough, and that is not contentment - that is complacency. God asks me almost every day what I would like (after I have talked to him about all the important people in my life and asked him to provide for them with extravagance, he usually asks...and what about you?). I am getting better at giving him a response. I am getting better at expressing my real desires (not for stuff, but those things that add genuine richness to my life) and daring to live in that scary place between deep longing and sweet fulfillment. It is where I live every day, if I am honest: some days more on the longing side and other days, leaning more towards the fulfillment end of things. Here, then, are the things that I would like...

Just for fun, I thought I would name 26 things I am thankful for today, alphabetically, of course. A - air. I like having plenty of it all around me all the time. Cool stuff! B - breathing. It happens all day and all night without supervision, keeping me alive. C - clothes. I have clean clothes to wear every morning, and most of them look good on me. D - dreams. Awake or asleep, I love thinking about things that are bigger than me. E - exercise. My body was made to move! I love to walk and run and jump. F - feet. They take me lots of places every day, what would I do without them? G - gas. I just ate fresh pineapple followed by cream of carrot soup. Bad mix, but nothing that a good belch didn't fix! H - hair. It covers my pointy head and gives me a reason to buy nice smelling shampoo. I - iced coffee. I had a medium one from Tim Hortons on this hot and sunny day... mmmmm ! J - Jazz the cat. She follows me around and purrs loudly when I pet her. Nice to come home to. K - Karen my ...

My new modem arrived today and I am back online. You don't know how valuable something is until you have to do without it for awhile. I can now research and write and reply to emails instantly with the flick of my forefinger. I can also run up and down the stairs in our home. These are both things I could not do a few days ago. I am sitting in the chair of gratefulness today, and I hope that I do not soon forget the privilege. This past week I have had to receive more than usual. It is good for me. I always want to be willing to take what God is bringing my way. I have also seen that I get things mixed up sometimes. I am reckless where I should be careful, and I am careful where I should be reckless. I am reckless in areas where I think I know what I am doing. I am reckless when everyone else is doing something and I feel I should be able to do it as well (like play soccer with an injured muscle). I am reckless when I do not consider the value or cost to myself or ano...

So, my modem died on Sunday. It just gave up all its lights and is now sitting lifeless and unproductive on the table, hoping I will consider giving it a second life as a paper weight or modern sculpture. Don't think so! I was supposed to receive a replacement in 2 business days, whatever that means, since it is now 5 days later and I am still doing without. Really, I don't mind being without access to the world wide web for a few days while I wait for my new modem, but much of my communication , writing, and studying is done online, and so I have already missed a webinar and fallen woefully behind in my writing schedule. On the work side of things, I have to disseminate certain information to our church community every week and on Tuesday, it took three attempts in three different Internet access locations before I finally managed to send this important communique. Rather inconvenient , to say the least. We are in Ontario for the weekend visiting friends and now have acces...

For: The Institute of Contemporary And Emerging Worship Studies , St. Stephen's University , Essentials Green Online Worship Values Course with Dan Wilt I just returned from 5 days in Florida. This trip held a number of firsts for me, one of which was flying first class. Thanks to the generosity of our hosts, Dean and I were able to enjoy this rare treat together. I had been told about the special treatment we would get: the special line to check in, the special food, the special attention to our needs, and the special seats. I was looking forward to this experience of not being one of the "regular" people for a change. We arrived at the airport and got into the special line which was indeed much shorter than the regular line, but soon after we got there, we saw our check-in agent walk away. She did not return for a long time, obviously dealing with the special needs of the people in front of us, and we were left standing there feeling somewhat un-special. At the stop-ov...