outWORD by Matte Downey

We were supposed to go on vacation on March 15. On March 13, due to travel restrictions put in place to slow down the spread of COVID-19, we cancelled everything. The plane tickets to California. The hotel reservation a block away from the beach. The car rental. The bungalow in the desert. All of it. It was a hard day. I tried not to cry. And then I did cry because I needed to let the grief go somewhere. We had forgone a vacation last winter because we were busy renovating our bathrooms and time and money were tight. We promised ourselves that we would make up for it this year: taking a much-needed break from busy work/volunteer schedules and countering the demoralizing effect of a long, cold winter. We were so ready for ten days spent in warm temperatures, walking along the ocean, driving through desert landscapes, and eating tacos. Instead, Dean went back to work and I started making phone calls and sending emails in an effort to recoup the money we had already spent on the trip....

Many of our interactions in this day and age are via video screens or through written messages. This at-a-distance type of interaction can be challenging, not just because it is always mediated (done through a medium) but because the distance requires both parties to do some extra work. This is especially true when it comes to written texts. Words have the wonderful ability to engage our imaginations, to enlarge our understanding, and to create narratives and connections which help us make sense of things. Words also have the capacity to be misread, misunderstood, and misrepresented. Have you ever mistaken the meaning of someone's email or text or had your own message misinterpreted? I certainly have. Because the writer is not face to face with the reader, there is no body language or vocal inflection or facial expression to help the reader understand the nuances behind the writer's words. Often, the reader is not privy to the specific situation or context in which the wor...

As I sit down to write a blog today, this has been my process thus far. Look at an idea I jotted down several weeks ago. Try to remember why it seemed important and exciting at the time. Get a drink. And a bowl of popcorn. Iron some shirts. Look out the window at the rain. Research flights for an upcoming trip. Get another drink. Look through some scribbled notes that I put in a file. Yes, that might be something. Or not. Decide to have lunch and watch a design show, hoping that will put me in a more creative space. The show is over. Sit in the chair and start typing. Read it over and ask myself, is this really anything? Do I keep going or do I toss it out? Think about alternate careers, perhaps investing in a popcorn company. Eat chocolate. Sit at the computer again and type some more. Decide that writing something today is important, even if I delete most of it tomorrow. Wonder if inspiration is on vacation. Wish I was on vacation. Look out the window. Type more words. Delete ...

Image from evenlodesfriend.com This afternoon I listened in on a webinar on soul care put on by the Vineyard Church in Canada. One man told his story of how he burnt out as a pastor. After months of struggling, he finally quit and it took him four years before he was able to dream again. He identified some of the problems: the inability to admit we are weak, never giving out of abundance but living paycheck to paycheck (spiritually and emotionally), the pressure to succeed and do well, the fear of failure, and the desire to have people look up to us. I have struggled with most of these in my role as a teacher and pastor. The pressure to perform and do well are constant. I even feel it on this blog. I should be putting up posts weekly (at least) and addressing current, trending topics in order to get my readership up. But some weeks I have nothing to give, and that's okay. I have spent most of May trying to get my bounce back. The euphoria that followed the successful defense ...

Image from theguardian.com September is here and school is about to start for another year. This term I will be working as both a teaching assistant and a research assistant in addition to finishing (fingers crossed) my doctoral dissertation (except for final rewrites). Some people have remarked that going from teaching a course at the university to being a teaching assistant seems like a step backwards. I don't see it that way. Every chance to be in the classroom is an opportunity to participate in another learning experience, a privilege I do not take for granted. Being a TA is a gift, actually: the professor does all the heavy lifting and takes ultimate responsibility for what happens in the course while I get to enjoy theological discussions and reading materials, grade (mostly) interesting assignments, answer questions from students, and exchange theological jokes with my fellow TA during class. No down side! Seriously, though, I have found that being a student and a lif...

When this happens, I have to choose which grammatical sin I'll have to make in order to send a tweet. Social media is very good at letting you know how much traction or clout you have, whether that is measured in likes, comments, retweets, numbers reached, followers, or shares. I like connecting with people via Facebook, I like writing this blog (most of the time) as a way of honing my communication skills while putting some ideas out there on subjects I am thinking about. I occasionally post on Twitter (my least favourite platform) and I love to post pictures on Instagram chronicling the interesting views I come across in life. At times, I do check how many readers on a particular blog, how many followers I have, and how many likes or favourites a post got. But it is a bit like seeing your salary in comparison to every one elses. Whereas before you might have been absolutely fine with how much you earned, when you see the numbers, discontentment is not far behind. Numbe...

Image from bodybuilding-wizard.com Dean and I go to a local gym several times a week, most often pretty late at night. The gym is not as full that time of day which means that everyone has a bit more breathing room and the equipment is readily available. As far as gyms go, it is pretty relaxed. There are some hardcore iron-pumpers there, but there are also a lot of people just trying to improve their health and stamina, people of all ages and sizes and fitness levels. Last night at the gym I walked over to use the leg lift thingy (pretty sure that's the official name). There was a muscular guy standing a few feet away. Just standing there. I hesitated, wondering if he was using the equipment and just resting in-between reps. He took a few steps away from the apparatus, so I assumed he was not using it. It still felt a bit strange to have him not ten feet away, looking in my direction. Then I thought, so what if someone watches me. I will do just fine. So I got up on the foot ...

Image from www.kit.org.in I have been trying to finish chapter two of my thesis (the rough draft is complete, thanks for asking) and also prepare for a class I am teaching tonight. As well, I had to plan a presentation I will be giving next week and write an abstract to be circulated ahead of time. And did I mention a house guest last week and a run of conference calls and evening meetings? Several times a year things clump up like this (hence no blog last week), but I no longer get all that stressed about it. In the journey of life, sometimes we sprint, sometimes we jog, sometimes we stand and wait, sometimes we sit down, sometimes we lie down and rest. One needs to be okay with different paces at different times. What I love is being able to get into the zone when things get crazy busy. Instead of feeling stress or pressure, I find excitement building, I feel positive adrenaline coursing through my blood, and I revel in working with increased focus. Today, as I write in my home...

Image by Jim Davis. Found on pinterest.com I have been following a post by a colleague (whom I have never met but we have mutual friends and are both studying theology) in which he writes about his efforts to change into a functioning morning person, mostly out of necessity due to being a parent and a writer (his words). I am not a parent so I will not comment on the challenges that children present to sleep and work patterns, but I do a fair bit of writing and find myself chafing at the assumption that disciplined and successful writers do their best work in the early morning.  I am not sure that such a generalization is true or helpful. It seems to me that there is a bit of prejudice against late-night functioning people. We can be viewed as somewhat lazy, undisciplined, still lingering in that teenage/student phase of staying up late and sleeping in late. Similar to the subtle disdain for introverts that our Western culture exhibits (social skills are highly valued), la...

There are some books that I take a long time to read. One of those is The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything by James Martin S.J. It is filled with stories, advice, quotes, and wisdom on a wide range of spiritual topics, all offered within an Ignatian framework. Though it is a very accessible read, I find myself not rushing through it; I want to stop and think, stop and pray, stop and work out the things I read about. This morning I read something in Martin's book which hit very close to home. The author has a condition which has been diagnosed as repetitive strain injury. Since his theological study days, he has suffered shooting pains in his hands and wrists which affect how much he can type and write. While working at a magazine, he became increasingly frustrated at the situation. He asked: "Why would God do this? What was the sense of a writer who couldn't write? What was the point? ... Why would God prevent the work that I was missioned to do?" He tried e...

Walking on the beach at Lunan Bay Scotland. A 'Yes' moment! Around 8 months ago I jotted down the beginnings of a poem. Today I came across the rough draft and thought perhaps it was time to finish it. If I remember correctly, I hastily typed those first words in a rush of joy and exuberance, absolutely besotted with being alive and surrounded by so much goodness. This evening, in a more contemplative state of mind, I edited it and added a final stanza. It is a poem about hope, celebration, gifts, limitations, and sobering gratitude. It is a poem about saying yes to life, all of it. The Poem of Yes by Matte Downey  Do you ever just want to write a poem?  Because you want to say something delicious Create something frothy and delightful Mold something with edgy consonants and soothing vowels Paint a picture with adjectives which have the potential to startle the mind and make someone go “Oh!” Do you ever just want to dance and jump?  Because t...

Image from break.com What type of story captures our attention?  Is it the tale of a hero, a person who does extraordinary things in the face of great obstacles? Is it an adventure, a grand story that takes us to exotic lands? Is it a love story which makes our hearts pound with passion? What type of people impress us? Those who are well-spoken and intelligent? Those who are charismatic and funny? Or perhaps we are attracted to the beautiful and graceful ones. This week has been a hodge-podge of reading for me: everything from biblical texts to anthropology, philology, play-writing, fiction, and memoirs. Some of the stories and characters have gripped me; others have left me unimpressed. It makes me wonder: what's the difference?  What am I looking for? What do I want to immerse myself in? Erich Auerbach (he's a philologist, a person who studies language in ancient literature) observes the difference between two types of epic story: the legend and the historical accoun...