Wednesday, May 02, 2007

A&L&L



Here is another amazing Namibia photo taken by Greg Beaudoin. I love the contrast of the road against the sand.

I had a bit of a meltdown on Sunday night during worship. We were singing the words, "All I need is You, Jesus." Well, everyone else was singing them and I was just standing there, mute in front of the microphone, trying to stop being distracted and focus on God, when I again heard these words..."Do you believe it?" Argh, so often I get in a spiritual setting and am surrounded by all these faith-filled words, especially in songs, and I do desire to utter true things and the things that I hope for and believe in, but no, I cannot say things lightly and really, don't want to. So anyway, Awa (the worship leader) had given me permission to sing out anything spontaneous and when I found my heart stirred, and saw her encouragement, I started to sing. It was a bit of a mess as I floundered, singing that I wanted to sing the phrase but the word ALL was just too big and I didn't know what it meant and could not describe it because it was not me (whatever that means) and then had no idea what came after that, so asked God to help my unbelief and then I was empty, I had nothing left to sing. Interesting. Usually I find myself singing these wonderful inspiring things about God and love and nice stuff, so this was a bit strange.

The room was silent for a good while after that, except for one woman crying out at times, and several people were kneeling and no one said anything for a long time. I was kind of clueless and didn't know what was going on, but hey, I can sit silently and wait on God. So I did. I told God I was sorry for the words that might not have been all that clear or worshipful in my song but I really didn't know how to sing and MEAN the world ALL. I wanted to, but I did not know how. And then I was reminded of the songs of David, full of heartfelt longings, beratings at his shortcomings, and even strong words for his enemies. David did not withhold himself when he came before God in worship, you always saw the real man and his struggles, not just a man who had come through the hard times and learning times and was smiling on the other side of them.

Then Frank spoke on God being our shepherd and we need to know 3 things: We need to hear his voice. He knows us. He calls us to follow. Yes, I can hear God. He knows me and is okay with who I am right now before I am fully mature. I will follow him.

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