Friday, March 27, 2009

the two i's

The Institute of Contemporary And Emerging Worship Studies, St. Stephen's University, Essentials Green Online Worship Values Course with Dan Wilt

Intimacy and integrity are funny things (laugh here if you like). Yes, of course, I want them in my life. In fact, the best thing in the whole world is to have a friend who totally knows you, can be counted on to be totally dependable in every situation, and does not change their affection for you no matter what. I would like to be that kind of a friend, too, and so I try. I work on my relationship skills, letting people into my life and inviting people on the fringe to get closer. I am not naturally gifted at people skills, especially in group settings, so these things require some concerted and conscious effort on my part, but I work at them. It is worth it.

I am perhaps a bit better at living life in a consistent and unhidden way. Sharing my life lessons and journey is not that hard; being there for people is a bit more challenging. Yep, I am told that I do "being there" quite well. People know they can count on me. It means that my plans often get tossed out the window because someone needs my help or support. It means that I sometimes get stood up. It means that I sometimes wait for people to show up or call or respond, and they never do. Being there for someone does not mean that they are automatically going to be there for you. It means that you hardly ever get asked, "Hey, what can I do for you?" It means that you get awfully used to serving the agendas of others. I am not sure this is all good; in fact, I know it is not. Today is one of those days when I feel the disproportion. I know I am distorting it to some extent because I am tired and in the middle of several assignments and probably need a good meal, but there it is.

I also know deep in my soul that intimacy and integrity are not really supposed to be the result of great effort on my part. We tend to work hard at developing certain values in our faith when in truth, they are meant to sprout rather unexpectedly and spontaneously out of the nourishing soil of a spirit flooded with the baptismal water of the Holy One. It is perhaps less about walking out my values and beliefs and more about lying down and letting as much of myself as possible touch and become surrounded with and planted in the spirit and presence of Jesus.

Lie down and die. Lie down and sprout. Lie down and grow.

This is some funky graffiti near Mont Royal metro in Montreal.

1 comment:

Shelley said...

we are like the little kid who anxiously digs up his seed every day to see if it is in fact growing...