Tuesday, October 20, 2009

relapse

Someone must have rearranged our bedroom furniture during the night. I got up this morning , it seems, on the proverbial wrong side of the bed. After a month of blessed and undeserved contentment and gratitude in my heart, I felt the old brain start to go in negative patterns again this morning. The sad thing is not that this happened (and will occasionally happen), but that I allowed myself to go down that road, to stay on that track, and ended up saying things to people that I now regret. Yes, apologies have been given, and I have to trust that forgiveness and redemption are bigger than my blunders.

It started when I got irritated and annoyed because one little thing did not happen the way I wanted it to this morning. My prayer as I walked to the bank this afternoon was "God, I am a control freak. Please help me to be a lover instead." It is so hard to remain out of control of my life. I can do okay for a period of time and then WHAM I just get tired of not having a say in how things go. I want to write the "to do" list for God and for others, thinking that having my needs and desires met will be good for mankind. My version of "the good life" is very small and self-centred, if I am honest with myself. It takes very little into account except how to feel at ease with myself and my circumstances.

However (big however), God's love knows no bounds. His grace is more than enough for any shit that plops in my way. God is not scared off by bad moods and frustration, because hope is greater than all of it, and he always has plenty to offer. He never walks away. He gives good gifts, especially when I ask for them, and waits for me to open wide, ready to receive whatever they are.

I have the potential to be an incredible receiver. Sometimes I forget that and jump into the position of quarterback. Then I try to throw my own plays to myself. No wonder it never quite works out. Let me be content with receiving. Let me practise and practise until I do it so well that it becomes second nature to me. And let me untwist my heart from its painful contortions of confusion: trust is not helplessness, though it often feels like it.

Being a control freak results in chronic disappointment. Being a lover ends in being in love.
This is a pond where beavers have built a dam somewhere in the Laurentians.

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