Saturday, October 04, 2008

feed me

I am getting used to being somewhat perpetually tired and hungry, at least Monday to Friday. It is good for me. It puts things in another perspective. Some ugly thing called worry wants me to believe that there is never enough time, but I know that there will always be just the right amount of time each day to be the person I am to be and do the things that God sees as important right now. And there always is. God can be trusted regarding time. Seeing that play out every day is like witnessing the miracle of sunrise over and over again; no matter how many times I experience it, it still takes my breath away and extracts a sigh of gratefulness and wonder.

The other impulse I have the joy of engaging and seeking to get some self-control over is the one that raises its horny head when my reserves are down. When missing the recommended amount of food and sleep, the needy devil starts to scream for all kinds of soul fast food to satiate its selfish appetite. It wants attention lavished on it and looks at others as competitors in this arena. It wants to be served and coddled and fed flattery one juicy tidbit at a time. It wants presents and adulation and admiring looks and to be desired. It wants to be the one to say no instead of having no said to it and can throw a hissy fit if it senses rejection in any form coming its way - it can even project rejection being tossed its way where there is none! It wants someone to read its mind and make sure it never lacks for anything. It wants the universe to revolve around it and pouts if that is not happening. All the secret fears and wants that I get so good at keeping under the surface can no longer hide. They come out in my dreams, my emotions, my actions, and my words. And that is a good thing.

Let me starve out the selfish parts of my soul and feed the generous, loving, trusting, submissive, strong, and hopeful bits. This is the strategy for overcoming my worst enemy - my unruly self.

Here is a picture of the most amazing stir fry I made last night right next to the reading I still have to do this weekend.

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