There are some things I don't understand in life. Okay, there are a lot of things I don't understand in life. Every day I lack understanding about something and for the most part, I think we all get used to this feeling. We accept odd patterns of behaviour and ways of being because they become familiar, not necessarily because things are as they should be.
Dean has been sick for 10 days. It is not a good thing. He was flat on the couch for 2 days and then got a bit better and now has the energy to go to work but not much else. He can't eat much of anything because his digestive system just rejects most food (yes, it comes out either one end or the other in case you must know). It is just some silly stomach virus but it is going on way too long and I don't know why. I don't understand.
Yesterday I prayed, "God, if there is some particular purpose that you have in Dean being sick, then we embrace it and co-operate with what you are doing. But if there is no purpose in this, then you stupid sickness, get lost and leave Dean alone." A friend of mine said she felt something powerful when I prayed that. I don't know. I felt nothing. But when I called Dean that afternoon he said he felt much better. So much better that we went out to watch a movie last night. Alright!
This morning he was back on the toilet emptying out his body. I don't understand.
I just finished my first exhibition of photos. It was a very good experience and I met some wonderful people. The comments I heard were all incredibly positive and I sold a few pieces, but I am not even close to breaking even. I might get a few orders out of the whole thing after the fact, and I do understand all about humble beginnings. In reality, I am not all that disappointed because I really had no expectations, but some of it I don't understand. When the amount of effort put in seems to greatly outweighs the results, I must admit that I don't get it.
Part of it, I am sure, is that we take into account such a short timeline and such a limited scope. I really want to see what God's purposes are in everything. So my question these days is, "What's the point?" I want to be aware, as much as possible, of what God's point is in all my circumstances. I want to walk in his purposes and if I am unaware of them, I will tend to fight against them, being the niggardly self-centred person that I am.
One day last week when all my appointments careened hopelessly out of control and I was late for everything which I absolutely detest because it is so rude, and I had no idea what the purpose could be in inconveniencing others, I found myself murmuring over and over, "Even in this, God will be bring glory to himself." And he always does. Even when I don't understand.
This is the spire of a huge church on St. Urbain.