Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Confessions

I have a confession to make...I hate being told what to do. I like to think that if everything and everyone in my world would just order themselves according to my wishes, things would work out alright. But welcome to an earth filled with billions of beings each with free will, and each probably thinking very much the same thing! A sure recipe for trouble! Perhaps that is why traffic can be so frustrating...all those other people are just not lining up with your idea of how things should go!!! So irritating. You know, I have come up with some ideas that have been rather good and enjoyed implementing them, but when I think about it, the most meaningful and effectual events or changes in my life have come as somewhat of a surprise to me - something was initiated by someone else and I got to participate and benefit.

Here's confession number two...I love to be loved. Well, who wouldn't, but very few of us come right out and say it. I crave attention, affection, acceptance and any other "a" word you can think of (like perhaps adulation and appreciation, but definitely not alienation). The times I know and feel love are a euphoria unlike any other. But wouldn't you know it, I am discovering that an even greater sense of well-being, in fact a deeper and more driving passion, overtakes me when I choose to give lavishly from my seemingly meagre storehouse of love. The contentment that stems from knowing I did not withhold any good thing from someone is far superior to that of knowing I grasped at affection and obtained it in some measure. I don't know why, but its true.

Confession number three...I struggle with fear and inadequacy. Too often I find myself hesitating instead of leaping, frozen instead of active, remaining passive instead of initiating, choosing to let the "impossibles" loom larger than life in my line of sight. But you know, fear has never accomplished anything is this world...it is not a driving force. Wait, let me rephrase that, I am learning how to harness it and made it work for me. For now I fear that if I don't do it now, I never will. I fear that if I don't take that risk, I will never find out if it might have amounted to anything. I fear that if I don't reach out and befriend that person, I might miss the best friendship I ever knew. I fear that if I keep thinking about all my fears, I will find myself at the end of my life...a shriveled soul not having moved from one spot. I fear missing the boat, losing that chance, not letting people know how I really feel about them until it is too late, and most of all, I fear standing before God and seeing the incredible things he had in mind when he created me and being overwhelmed with disappointment at how few of them I was brave enough to try.

So we get to choose...
1. Maintaining control (at best, it ends up being a feeble attempt to grasp that slippery steering wheel) or relinquishing the outcome to someone who is wiser, more benevolent, and infinitely more creative than we are.
2. Grasping for every bit of love that comes our way or choosing the sacrifice of lavishing it on someone else.
3. Fearing the things that can damage us or cost us something, or choosing to fear that unless we start to buy into this game, we will never get off the starting block. You have to pay to play. Are you in?

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