sans visual

For some reason, blogger won't let me load pictures right now, so while you are reading this, you might want to gaze out the window occasionally (ah... the beautiful sky) or spy the colour orange in your room (is it red? is it yellow? NO, it's orange! how cool!) or look at your hands and wonder, "Who ever thought 5 fleshy sticks coming out at the end of a spindly arm could do things like play concertos and make bread and hold things tightly?" Or you can just stare at the computer screen and read - your choice.

I feel like I am holding my breath or waiting for a bus. There are many places to go (in real life and in becoming myself) and much to accomplish, but here I sit - in some sort of limbo - with time resting in my hands and no urgency in my spirit for any specific thing and not clearly being able to answer the question...what's going on? Perhaps I am waiting for something to happen in order to begin a series of events. Perhaps the time is just not yet. Perhaps things are wrapping up as I transition from one thing to another. Perhaps waiting and holding IS what is happening right now. I don't know. And I am okay with not knowing. Life is never business as usual, but there are times when you must simply put one foot in front of the other and inhale and exhale and eat and excrete and work and rest and after all that, the place you are walking towards still seems no nearer than the day before. But your vision must not be your primary guide, not being able to see something cannot disorient you, and trust must be the undercurrent that is never silent.

What's going on today? I am making a cup of tea and waiting for Dean to come home and asking God what he is doing. The tea will be ready in a minute, Dean will be home within the hour, and God will answer me when he is ready, or perhaps, when I am ready.