outWORD by Matte Downey

I just returned from our second annual Vineyard retreat in the Laurentians . There were 19 people sharing a 4 bedroom chalet (4 people were camping in the front yard), and I don't remember anyone really complaining about anything during the entire 43 hours we were together. No wait, the children rolled their eyes when it was bedtime and a few people sighed at the thought of going home. Amazing, when you think about it. The weather was foggy and rainy and cold on Saturday, but we went out on the boat anyway, and others enjoyed books and walks and chats by the fire and everyone was content. We had a talent show on Saturday night which everyone was encouraged to participate in. A few people were reluctant, but that sentiment soon faded when I reassured them that it was by everyone for everyone, and we would love whatever they would do, no matter what it was. And every last person brought something for the rest of us to enjoy, wonder at, laugh with, or applaud. The theme of the weekend...

Dean left on a business trip this morning at 4:30 am. This leaves me and Jazz unsupervised with knives and video cameras within easy reach. You can understand why it is important to have constructive tasks to keep us occupied while he is gone. No worries. I have a retreat to organise this weekend which will include planning a menu and buying groceries for 18 people as well as preparing a talk on "What are We Looking For?" There are also the usual readings and assignments in the next few days, several hours of office work tomorrow, regular household tasks, and I hope to take in a movie and coffee with friends as time allows. Jazz, I am sure, has an agenda packed with personal grooming, a litter box quota to fill, toys to stuff into small spaces, and meowing and pacing drills to practise. On a totally different topic, this is what I was thinking about yesterday while preparing my heart and my head for taking communion. Remember. This is what the Israelites were always being to...

Yesterday was my birthday. A lot of the birthdays in my life have been rather disappointing affairs, I have to admit. Nobody's fault, really. Being born in the middle of the crazy busy harvest season on a farm meant that there was usually very little time to make a special occasion of it. I got used to no big deal being made out of the day I was born. I remember coming home from school one day and seeing a brown paper bag on the table, a gift for me, but no one around to share the celebration; they were all working on the field. I also remember one year my mom promising to get me those shoes I really wanted, but I would have to wait a week or two. It was just the way it was for many years. Unfortunately, these small details left a big impact on my sensitive soul. I became super sensitive to being overlooked and forgotten. I craved affirmation that I was special and important, especially on that one day. And I heaped such high expectations on my husband and my friends to make a mem...

I don't know about the rest of you, but as a creative person, I have a recurring fear. And that is that I will never have another creative idea, or come up with anything worthwhile to say or do again. I fear that I only have so much in my creative bank account. Since creativity basically means that you never do the same thing in the same way twice, the pressure mounts with every task that comes my way. When I am faced with a another paper to write, a talk to prepare, a presentation to give, a picture to paint, or a blog to compose, there is often a gaping void that taunts me. There is a chaotic formless flurry of scattered bits that I can't make sense of. On Sunday, the void visited me again. I had a presentation to prepare for Monday night and when I jumped out of bed, the dark chaos was waiting. Fortunately, I was doing a presentation on Genesis 1-4 and the first thing that came to mind was: In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was formless and vo...

This school year has started with a bang! Though I am only taking 2 courses at the Master's level and have a small part-time job, some extra things have come up this month that have served to overwhelm me a bit. And for some reason I seem to be extra prone to overwhelmedness right now. In the next 2-3 weeks I also have to plan and organise a church retreat, apply for a major government award which means that I have to write a very detailed research proposal (something most people don't start to think about until later into their first year and something I have never done before!!!), and manage the logistics of a move for our church meeting space. Today, I have an occupancy permit application to write, I hope to begin on that research proposal, and there are readings for next week and a class presentation on Monday. Plus, I promised to get together with some good people today, which is very important for my sanity. And we haven't even talked about cleaning bathrooms or buy...

This is from a talk I gave at our church gathering last night. I have been feeling somewhat empty in the last month or two. I can't explain exactly why that is, but it has thrust me into a quest to pursue more wholeness in my life and hard as it may be at times, it is a very worthwhile journey. Yesterday as I was thinking about the difference between emptiness and fullness, I decided to explore the classic "half empty or half full" question. I held up a glass and asked, "What is this?" The answer came back: "An empty glass." I filled a glass halfway with water and set it on the table. I asked, "Is this half full?" "Yes," was the response. Then I asked, "Is it half empty?" The response was again positive. Then I submerged an empty glass into a large bowl of water and we all watched the liquid poured into it. I raised it up. "Is this glass full?" I queried. "Yes," people called out. Then I took another ...

Today is one of those days when I need the super-powers of decision-making and forward-thinking. There are so many things to plan and direct in the next few months and it all starts now. I have to construct a tentative schedule for our small group for the next three months so that we don't all just show up and stare at each other while we eat potato chips (though admittedly that's not the worst thing that could happen). I have to choose which reading to do a class presentation on (which means skimming the whole coursepak ) and get a topic for a Christology paper for this term. I have a paper to edit and submit to a publication and a major funding application to complete which needs me to outline what great contribution I will be making to society with my MA in Theological Studies. And I haven't even started my second course yet! Probably the largest decisions right now (besides what to have for lunch) are choosing a track to follow for my MA project and selecting the area...

For the past month or two, I have been feeling unsettled, empty, not quite myself. I have been emotionally raw at times, paranoid about situations and relationships, hyper- sensitive to pretty much everything, annoyed and annoying, and some days wondered if I was on the verge of depression or losing my mind. Not too pleasant for me or for my friends, I have to admit. It was a bit like waking up every morning to the moment just before you get on a really scary ride at the amusement park. Or the first day of a new and illusive job which might make or break you. I was unsure of what was going on and I was fearful of what lay ahead; my mind went in crazy circles fixating on worse case scenarios, and all manner of irrational thoughts bombarded me for much of the day. I knew my perception was off and I was not tracking with the truth, but for the life of me, I couldn't get a solid grasp on it. I talked to God a lot, I tried to stay calm and not take things too seriously, I read my Bibl...

I was talking to a friend today and somehow, somewhere, in the course of our wandering conversation, I compared my life to baking a cake or some fine confectionery treat. There can be a lot of flurry in the kitchen: ingredients are tossed about, the flour gets spilled on the counter, batter gets splattered, sticky spoons and fingers are everywhere, an egg might fall on the floor, dirty messy bowls start to pile up, and if you have any passion in you at all for what you are doing, there might be some yelling and screaming and loud banging of pans as the egg whites just won't form stiff peaks or the butter refuses to cream with the sugar because you got the temperature wrong or you realise that you are all out of icing sugar. Not everyone can handle being in the kitchen of my life. Everyone wants to taste the cake, the wonderfully sweet and delightful end product, but not all are up for witnessing the sometimes chaotic process or seeing the inevitable flop that I toss in the garbage...

One of my most memorable moments from our time in England was the day we went to Bath. The lovely Emma took us there for the day to visit another one of our wonderful friends who had spent some time with us in Montreal a few years ago. After we arrived at Hannah's place we had a cup of tea, caught up on life, prayed for good stuff, and headed downtown for a yummy lunch. Then we wandered the streets of Bath, one of the most beautiful and interesting places I have ever seen. I was snapping pictures left and right as we walked past the Roman Baths, Bath Abbey, and street after street of unique architecture. Several times I almost lost the rest of the gang while I stopped to capture a particular scene or ran into a tourist centre for some information. Hannah, Emma, Eden, and Dean were all very gracious in waiting for me as I tried to take it all in during the few hours that we had in Bath. As we leisurely walked to one of the most famous places in that city, The Circus, Dean pointed ou...

I got back from my trip to England yesterday around noon. It was a fabulous 8 days filled with new sights and foods and adventures, and lots of very precious people encountered along the way. The reason for going to London was to attend a friend's wedding, after which we were taking 5 days to see other friends and a bit of the country. It started off not looking so good when I arrived at Heathrow just before noon last Friday after an all-night flight and heard my name paged in the luggage area. A nice man informed me that my bag had missed my first flight to Halifax and had then been sent to Toronto where the weather was not so good. He hoped that it would arrive the next day. Okay. There was nothing I could do about that, so I headed off to my hotel, checked in, and then jumped on the tube to spend the day seeing the sights in downtown London. I came back to the hotel later that evening to have dinner with a friend and my bag was still nowhere in sight. The next morning I checked...

I leave for London, England tonight at 7:50 pm. Dean (whose flight leaves tomorrow night after work) and I are going to attend the wedding of a good friend on Saturday in Egham . I am still amazed at how the plans have come together for this trip. At times all the details and flights and arrangements seemed almost impossible to untangle, starting with our not able to fly together due to one flight being through Aeroplan and the other one the most convenient for Dean's work schedule. It is also a challenge to try to see London and friends in neighbouring cities without a car and within a limited Canadian budget. In the end, everything has worked out better than I imagined. We are going to be moving around a lot, traveling to 5 different locations and meeting up with friends every day, going to places I would never have thought to include in our little trip. Unexpected delightful detours! Through the helpful suggestions of various people, we now have a self-directed walking tour we ...

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for. - Rick Warren Someone sent me a Rick Warren interview just over a week ago and as I have been thinking about this excerpt, I have found that there is much truth in it. I do tend to see things quite black and white, good and bad for the most part, and that means I miss much of the richness and depth of the multi-dimensional life we live, not to mention the accompanying mystery and beauty of it! For example, I know that I am sometimes easily influenc...

Just for fun, I thought I would name 26 things I am thankful for today, alphabetically, of course. A - air. I like having plenty of it all around me all the time. Cool stuff! B - breathing. It happens all day and all night without supervision, keeping me alive. C - clothes. I have clean clothes to wear every morning, and most of them look good on me. D - dreams. Awake or asleep, I love thinking about things that are bigger than me. E - exercise. My body was made to move! I love to walk and run and jump. F - feet. They take me lots of places every day, what would I do without them? G - gas. I just ate fresh pineapple followed by cream of carrot soup. Bad mix, but nothing that a good belch didn't fix! H - hair. It covers my pointy head and gives me a reason to buy nice smelling shampoo. I - iced coffee. I had a medium one from Tim Hortons on this hot and sunny day... mmmmm ! J - Jazz the cat. She follows me around and purrs loudly when I pet her. Nice to come home to. K - Karen my ...

This is from a learning session that I led at a church gathering last night. I read the story of the persistent widow again this week. You know, the one that involves a slacker judge who is not all that interested in justice and the woman who keeps badgering him to make things right for her until he finally relents and does so. Jesus told this story to teach us the value of consistent and persistent prayer. Kind of a backwards way of doing it, don't you think? He contrasts God to an unwilling and uncaring judge who gives the woman what she wants only after she has worn his resolve down by her constant asking. Sad to say, many times the contrast between God and this dead-beat judge does not seem to be all that great. We can ask and ask and ask him for something and when nothing seems forthcoming, God does indeed seem unwilling to act on our behalf. Does he need convincing? Is he slow? Is he trying to teach us a lesson? Let me give an example. Someone comes to me and asks me for 10 d...

This morning I booked hotel rooms for our trip to London, England in 2 weeks. If you have ever checked it out, you will know that London is an expensive place to visit, especially when you are used to Canadian prices. I just don't think that breakfast at a hotel is worth 25 pounds, or 45 Canadian dollars, do you? They obviously think that I can eat 45 dollars worth of food, so perhaps I should give the Brits credit for their extreme optimism. Anyway, after weeks of research and asking around, during which time I found a lot of overpriced hotels, a few reasonably priced rooms accompanied by horrible reviews, and one or two deals that disappeared while I thought about them, everything fell into place last night. It's funny how waiting can bring clarity. The foggy impossibility of the task, given the myriad of locations to research and the limited budget we were working with, vanished as the right choices became clear, like someone was highlighting them. It was all so obvious last...

I am the youngest of three children. And yes, I exhibit a lot of the characteristics of this particular birth order station in the family. I want to differentiate myself from others, I sometimes battle feelings of being inadequate and small, and I can be outgoing and lots of fun when I have had a few cappuccinos. This morning I read the story of the father and his two sons in Luke 15. The youngest one demanded his inheritance early (a typical desire not to be overlooked or treated unfairly) and went out to do his own thing (stop comparing me to my older sibling!). But that's where the similarities to the baby of the family end for me. You see, I have never run off and done something really stupid, causing lots of people to worry about me. For the most part, you can find me faithfully going about the necessary business of life, so dependable that it's almost boring. I tend to lose patience with people who mess up and need lots of hand-holding to get back on track. I tota...

It was Alfred Hitchcock day on Friday. I was watching an old movie, called Rebecca , by the famous director around noon on that fateful day. Really, I was supposed to be cleaning my house in preparation for guests, getting some groceries, writing this blog, working on my fiction, and picking up some dry cleaning. But, in doing some research for our book club, I stumbled upon this movie and started watching a few clips. Besides, viewing a classic movie is an excellent warm-up for housework, isn't it? As I was watching the unnamed heroine interact with the evil Mrs. Danvers , I heard a strange noise coming from somewhere. I looked over the balcony rail to see if there was any unusual cat action happening, but all was quiet. I continued my movie and again heard a rustling. It was coming from my right. I walked over and saw Jazz intently staring at the fireplace, her face with its big eyes pressed close to the glass. And then I saw a brown flutter and heard that familiar rustling again...

We returned yesterday from 5 days in New Brunswick at a Roundtable Leadership Retreat. There was a lot of sitting and talking and listening, but some time was made for fun and games, tasty food, and a hike up Dominion Hill where I watched my 2 fellow hikers cut down several dead trees with the chainsaw. Good stuff! However, I am pretty tired today from the lack of sleep due to a very early morning flight back (only 4.5 horizontal hours), recovering from the cold I caught while there (coughing - yuck!), and having to fast for a blood test today. (Giving blood just takes a lot out of me.) Anyway, in all my travels I started reading a book about the life of Einstein. This brilliant man was a wonderful friend to many around him who shared his passion for learning and discovery. However, authority figures were frequently put off by his seeming disregard for their position and the accepted social and political practices of the time. His direct and abrasive manner caused him to lose marks ...

Dean and I were watching Mythbusters on Monday night. He had just come home from a business trip, so we talked, ate, and chilled on the couch and had the TV on while we were doing so. It was an entire episode dedicated to seeing if there was any merit to the theory that the landing on the moon had been faked. Pictures and videos of the landing were analysed and the common so-called discrepancies were tested. Two of the tests they featured caught my attention. One was the claim that the American flag that was planted on the moon is seen to be waving in the breeze in a video and the reasoning is that in the vacuum of the moon, this should not be possible. The other one was that in a picture taken of an astronaut climbing down from the lunar module, he is in the shadow of the space vehicle and yet he is quite brightly lit, leading some to claim that this was a staged photo with a second light source. They tested the first theory by swiveling a flag (as if planting it in the ground) in ...